i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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