Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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