omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
