I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
