if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize