I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
