did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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