Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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