You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
