If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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