You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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