i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
