Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
