There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
