Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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