You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
