I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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