I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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