Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
well you can't waste a boner
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
