I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
