Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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