I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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