You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
operation have a gay friend backfired
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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