nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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