I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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