I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just pee around me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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