My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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