RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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