Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
