I seem to have left my pride at pride
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
