sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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