the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
