So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
