I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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