put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
