Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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