the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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