I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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