I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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