i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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