Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
