My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
