I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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