I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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