I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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