I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
