New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize