I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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