i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
