I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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