I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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