Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
