Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
