i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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