I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
They are going to name an STD after you.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
