He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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