his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize